Happy Birthday to ME!!

So I write this the night before, contemplating where I've been for the past 31 years. I feel my baby moving, and I smile. I'm really doing good by this baby, I'm doing good for myself, I'm just plain doing better. I haven't smoked for almost 3 months. Not one. That's the longest I've gone since I picked them up over 10 years ago. While pregnant with Gracie and Ryan, I cut down drastically, but still smoked. Maybe not everyday, but I still did. That's not to say that I love this one more, but I just think my determination level is so much higher than before. I'm doing what I said I was going to do. It may not last, but it will for today. Today, I will not smoke.

(I love this pic with the baby having the hand on the head, like s/he is having a really bad day)

I went to my ultrasound appointment today, and saw my baby. Bill and I decided not to find out what we're having, and I actually kept my word. I turned my head when they were 'in the area'. I truly don't know what I'm having, and I'm thrilled! Anyone that knows me knows how weak I am when it comes to surprises. But I can't wait for this one! In my job, it is rare to have a 'surprise' baby, where no one in the room knows what we're about to have. And once the baby is born, to see that joy, ecstasy really, when the parents meet their baby, its wonderful. And then to see them overjoyed to finally meet their new son/daughter, and immediately know it was exactly what they always wanted. Even if one or the other parent was set on the opposite of what they just had, their mind's are immediately changed. What can be better than that?!!

(Cute feet, they were crossed at the ankles)

I am 19 weeks, and honestly, this pregnancy is flying by. Before I know it, I'll be holding this baby, and it will be just right. I know I'll be exhausted, and overwhelmed, and can't believe I ever thought it was hard with one, with two, etc. but we will adjust and love it all over again.
(This is me, holding Ryan and Gracie's pumpkins, at 18 wks. I sure feel bigger than I look!)

These last few weeks have been extremely trying, emotionally and physically, with Ryan being in the center of it all, I do believe. He is my first born, the love of my life, and I will go down fighting for him. But I didn't know how hard that fight would be. I cry for him, I question everything, and wonder if I am really doing the best for him. At the end of the day, all I can say I know for sure, I do what I do out of love. I love you with all my heart, Ryan, I hope you always know that.

Ryan started pre-K at the beginning of September. He is learning so much, he is so excited to go, he is enjoying his experience....for the most part. After 4 weeks of going, he had his first day of crying and not wanting to go. That was not Ryan. Of course there were days that he'd rather stay home, but in the end, he really did want to go. So to have him crying, all the way to the classroom and then some, that was the last straw for me. You see, he hadn't earned a good behavior sticker since the first day of school, and everyone else had. Every day. Every day, it was a list of Ryan's transgressions. He lost privaleges, had to go to bed early, etc.

Then he lost his self-esteem. After hearing over and over what a bad boy he was, I was done. The claws are coming out! I let him know over and over, even if he makes bad choices, he is still a wonderful boy, and I love him no matter what. That's when I went to his teacher and director and said, its time for him to have a good day. Find something positive and focus on that. Well, they did that, but each day, I still get a list of what he also did wrong. He has still not truly succeeded. I have a HUGE problem with that!! He's 4 years old!!! How bad can he truly be?!

I have requested a change in teacher, but they seem to be dragging their feet. Ultimatums are about to be done, and if not met, we will be finding a new school. He loves school, but I refuse for one teacher to ruin his self-esteem, no matter how much he loves his friends and loves learning.

Ryan, you will always be in my heart to stay, you're my family and I love you very much (to quote one of his favorite songs right now).

On another note for Ryan, he is eating vegetables!!!! He has been my picky eater, but he is in boot camp now. I am tired of fixing dinner, and then fixing his. I am tired of my son looking sickly and malnourished. He meets the weight requirement, but does not eat one vegetable, and only apples, grapes, and mandarin oranges for fruit. That is not adequate. Back to when I said I am more determined now, meeting my own goals, this is one of them. I am doing what I said I would do, no matter how difficult. Again, maybe I will fail, but I am doing my best right now. And I will be a worthy example for my children. See, Ryan, I eat my vegetables too!

Gracie has been doing very well. She is starting to talk, though we miss most of what she says. Very clearly, you can understand 'uh-oh', 'uh-huh', and 'wow', after that, it gets shady! She dances, she colors, and she makes me laugh everyday. The last few days, she has had rotavirus. High fever, nasty diarrhea (so glad I'm out of the first trimester, or I'd have to have a puke bucket with me), but she is eating well, she is drinking, and for her first illness in a loooong time, I'm not stressing it. She had her first cold shortly after Nancy and the boys came (miss you!), and now this, but she really has been doing soo much better!

I am soooo excited to see what will join us in our little family, what new challenges will arise. I may have a breakdown now and then (who doesn't, really?!!), but I am more ready than ever before.

As I age, I have become calmer (though still more hyper, adamant, strong willed than average), I do believe I roll with the punches better, and I am doing my best to be the best. To have a cleaner and more organized house. To have happy and healthy children. To love this life that I have been given and have chosen. I love all of you that help and support me in my journey. Thank you!